All the world loves a clown.

I feel tricked. I feel vulnerable. I feel stupid.

Last Sunday, June 26th, Sherry came back. Not entirely sure why, but I guess her and my dad reconciled and she moved back in.
Immediately this left a bad taste in my mouth. When she left before, she made it very clear that she was leaving because my dad & Emily were just too much for her. She even texted me the day she left and said “Good luck dealing with your dad and Emily”. And in the following weeks after she left, she messaged me on Facebook and said that she thought Emily was “the rudest kid” she had ever met.
So obviously I thought, if she thinks this way about Emily and my dad, why would she come back!?

My dad wired her $250 and I’m not sure why. Later when I was upstairs having a bath, I noticed a cheque made out to her for $300. Again, not sure for what.

When she was here she made mention that she wanted to go back to school & take some course. Maybe that money was for that. I don’t know.  My dad bought her a desk.

The week she came back was a bad one for me. I had missed taking my antidepressants two days in a row and was starting to feel the effects. When that happens, and I have to be honest, I’m not the greatest at remembering to take them, but I always make the effort, i just seem to forget.  I was also still pretty overwhelmed with my mum situation, as well as being confused and guarded because Sherry was back and I thought it seemed wrong.

Either way, I wasn’t having the greatest week, but I was trudging through and trying to make the most of it. Liam finished school on Wednesday and he passed I was very proud of him and had been thinking of ways that Matt and I could reward him. I found online, this great place in Penticton called Locolanding. It’s a fun park with mini golf and bumper boats etc. I knew he would love it, but it’s not really geared towards toddlers, so I asked Sherry if on the weekend if she wasn’t busy, would mind watching Violet & Callum for us so that we could take Liam out for the day. Just the three of us.  She politely and happily said “Sure, Can I just get back to you!?” and I said “Yeah no problem”.

2 hours later she was texting me from Kelowna to tell me that I had a letter on her desk upstairs. Stupid me. I actually just thought she had collected the mail and had forgot to give me a letter and left it for me on her desk. Instead it was a two page, hand written letter from her.
Never in my life have I ever felt so hurt.  But I wasn’t just hurt, i was furious! This letter was rude and hurtful, it was hypocritical and pompous, it was offensive and harsh. She stated that the reason she was leaving (AGAIN) was because of me this time. Because I am a negative person. I’m a lousy mother, sister, wife and above all am a disrespectful daughter who takes advantage of people. I spend all day and night on my computer, completely ignoring my children. I need help and she can’t be the one to help me. I alienate people. And instead of bringing new life into the world (she stated that I should not be a doula) I instead suck life out of people.

At the end of the letter she said she didn’t care if the letter made me hate her, she needed to tell me these things, as she holds no significance in my life.

I’m still not entirely sure how I’m meant to feel or react to the letter. My immediate reaction was to cry and feel hurt, and then I was mad and upset. I was shaking and in disbelief. And then I actually considered that maybe I was all of those things. Maybe she was right. However, I quickly disregarded that because I’m not so daft. I’m not a bad mother. I’m not a bad sister. I’m not a bad wife, and I’m definitely 100% not a disrespectful daughter and have never and will never take advantage of my father. The only true aspect to her letter was that yes i spend a large amount of time on the computer. I will not deny it. And why would I. I love to chat and keep in contact with my friends. I like to look up recipes and figure out my menu plan for the week. I like to find crafts and fun ideas to do with the kids. I like to look for books and read up on becoming a doula, because these are things that are important to me. NEVER have I ever neglected or disregarded my children. Despite feeling mental, and physical pain. Despite feeling overwhelmed with trying to wear many hats, I think I do quite well given my current situation and health. I definitely have bad days. I definitely get worked up and take my anger out on my children and even Emily at times. I have slammed doors in frustration, slapped hands, screamed out in anger, shouted “NO” and even “For Fuck sake!” and plenty of “Jesus Christs!”…….Ive cried. Ive pounded my fists into pillows. Ive slapped Callum’s face (not hard by any means, but it felt terrible). Ive told my children to shut up and Ive told them to go away. Ive stepped outside to calm myself. Ive taken a shower. Ive taken a breather. Ive called Matt crying and frustrated. Ive phoned my mother in tears. Ive thought about leaving (I never ever would, because I don’t truly want to). Ive felt happier and more relaxed when my children are in bed. And through all of these things, I’m still not a bad mother. I’m definitely a woman who struggles, and I’m definitely temperamental but I’m not ashamed, and I shouldn’t be. I’m dealing with a lot of shit. This is been the hardest four years of my entire life. I met the most amazing man of my entire life and decided willingly to give up my single, reclusive life to be fully committed to him. I have traveled across the world to meet and embrace people and new things. Ive become a step mother, which I don’t care what anyone says, I think is way harder than being a real mother. Ive accepted the relationships that come with being a step mother. My husbands ex will always be a part of our lives, and that is sometimes hard. Ive carried life inside of me. To me that is the most incredible thing Ive ever done. Nothing could ever surpass it. Ive had horrible, reoccurring back pain. Ive stopped working, and have felt guilty that Matt has had to take on the burden of supporting all of us by himself. Ive had my body sliced open. Ive moved house 4 different times. Ive sat by and watched Matt struggle and worry both times he was laid off. Ive stood by him and encouraged him to quit smoking and am proud he has. Ive watched my mother fall into a downward spiral. Ive dealt with post partum depression, sleepless nights, screaming colicky babies, tantrums and projectile poop. Ive felt discouraged and hopeless. I got help. Ive gained over 100 lbs. Ive felt clumsy, and heavy and disgusting. Ive lost most, if not all of my confidence. Ive hung on by a thread. Ive seen my mother with another man. Ive seen cocaine and mushrooms in my mothers purse. Ive seen her drink and drive and felt completely helpless. Ive seen my dad cry. Ive tried to be a mother to my sister. Ive sold and given away and thrown out all of our possessions. I don’t own a sofa or a chair or a table or a pot or a pan, or even a bed. Ive moved back home. Ive felt like I was 16 again. Ive felt like a child. Ive felt confused and hurt. Ive cooked and cleaned and taught my daughter to count. Ive taught her animals and read her countless stories. Ive taught my son how to walk and how to say words. Ive made birthday cakes. Ive made Christmas & Thanksgiving dinner alone. Ive felt silly and embarrassed but finally took and passed my driving exam. Ive learned to drive a standard. Ive accepted new relationships into my life even when I felt they were too soon. Ive stayed up late worrying and taking care of sick kids. Ive rushed my son to the hospital. Ive helped and worried about friends. Ive survived on small budgets. Ive spent a lot. Ive handmade Halloween costumes. Ive dealt with alcoholism. Ive dealt with hypothyroidism, and feeling tired every day. Ive felt unmotivated and lethargic. Ive told my mother I hated her. Ive been married! Ive felt completely vulnerable and loved. Ive struggled to hold onto friendships because the only way of communicating is sometimes through emails and Facebook. Ive missed Matt’s family. Ive sat and listened to my father in despair. Ive heard him call my mother nasty things. Ive felt embarrassed about my family………and thank goodness Ive never had to do any of it alone, but Ive done a lot and been through a lot and I’m by no means in need of sympathy or pity, and one thing I definitely DO NOT need is some woman who I barely know to come and treat me like she knows everything. Treat me like shit. Treat me like she knows what’s best. Treat me like I’m nothing. Treat me like she’s better than everyone else.

Sherry you are a mean and hateful person. You take advantage of people’s weaknesses and use them against them.

I doubt she would ever find this blog, but If she did I hope she knows that what she has done is wrong. You can’t treat people like you know better. Get your own family.

*sigh* I’m just rambling now. I’m so upset by all of this. I want to say “Fuck you, Sherryl” and “I won’t let your words hurt me” but they do. And I can’t shake them. I know my dad is being effected by her. I know that once Matt and I move out, she will move back in and then what? I’m supposed to act as though nothing happened? I’m supposed to accept her and their relationship? I don’t. I can’t. I don’t ever wish to see or speak to her again, and I definitely don’t want her around my children. But how can I have a relationship with my dad? How can he continue to date someone who clearly has no respect for me. How can he date someone who is so rude and evil? Why can’t he see her for what she is. I can’t stand by and watch her manipulate everyone. I’m afraid that my relationship with my father and sister are at stake because of this woman. I can’t lie and act as though what she has said to me is not a big deal.

Feeling confused, maybe I should just stop now. Besides Ive not fed my children, changed Callum’s shitty pants or even talked to my kids today. Because you know…….I’m a bad mother. She is such a moron.

It’s a trap….

I feel sick to my stomach. My mother is a coward and a narcissist. The last thing I said to her was “I’m tired of being hurt by you”.

Today sucks.

I wish I could curl up and go to sleep or just lie in bed for the rest of the day. I wish I could feel sad & not have to worry about other peoples feelings. I hate not being able to wallow.

I’m sick of being fat. I feel too depressed to do anything about it. Everything seems hopeless. I just want to eat until I throw up & then shut myself away for days on end.

I feel trapped.

Disown.

Ive been drinking….just saying. Today my dad went to see his Lawyer, and was informed that my mother is a sodding fuck. Okay, he didn’t say that, I’m clearly exaggerating. Thats something I would tell a client about his wife if I were a Lawyer. Anyways….

So not only does my mother think it’s alright to cheat on her husband, never see her children or her grandchildren, drink herself into oblivion and snort cocaine, but now……….now she wants to take all of my dads money!!!!!!!!! She feels entitled I guess. Entitled for all of the years she spent being a SAHM, living in a great 4 bedroom, 4 bathroom, 3 level house with a pool, never having to work or actually DO anything at all! No wonder she was driven to drink! How awful life must have been to have anything you wanted and yet never ever be satisfied. I mean, after all, she was a “single” mother. Yeah, because single mothers have husbands who go to work out of town leaving behind their families so that they can support them. Single fucking mother. I know single mothers, and they are amazing people who work their asses off to make ends meet. Mothers who go to the end of earth and beyond to do anything they possibly can to support and make sure their children are well taken care of. Single mothers aren’t selfish.

My dad works hard. He has always worked hard. He built this home for us. He worked long hours away from us when all he wanted to do was be here. He missed out on so much and he hated every moment of it……..but he did it because he cares. Because he loves us……because he wanted to build us a home and keep us safe and happy. She threw it away and took it all for granted.

Now he has to give it all to her. I feel helpless. I tried to get contact my mother all day today, and she ignored all of my calls and texts. I drove around and tried to find her. Nothing. It’s probably for the best. I’m too upset to talk to her anyways.

Mark my words though……..when I do finally get a hold of her, I will be not only giving her a piece of my mind (whats left from what my kids took) and an ultimatum. If she intends to virtually rob my dad of everything he’s worked so hard for, then I don’t want her to be a part of my life or my children’s. I want her to feel guilty and resentful….but I know she won’t. I can’t imagine her really caring at all actually, but I’m done, and I intend to make that clear to her before Monday.

So needing a hug.

Meds. Losses. Self-help. Spectacles. Marriage.

It’s June now. I’m on a new round of thyroid medication. Apparently it could take a lot of “experimenting” to find which dose works best for me. Needless to say, it’s redundant and frustrating. I just want feel better. I want to look better. Some days I feel like myself, I feel energetic and happy, but then I catch my reflection and i don’t look like myself. It’s discouraging and incredibly depressing.

Speaking of depression, Ive been on Cipralex now for….nearly a year and Ive found it works really well with my mood swings & irritability. I’m still overly emotional which I’m beginning to think is just part of my personality. But I can really tell a difference when Ive forgotten to take my medication for a day or two….almost immediately I start to feel overwhelmed and every teeny tiny thing starts to piss me off. On one hand I’m grateful for it (the medication) because I’m clearly unstable without it, but on the other hand I hate that I need something to stabilize me. It’s not a pride thing either, it’s just that I really dislike having to rely on medication to make me “feel” better.

Lets see….my dad and Sherry broke up. I’m not surprised. Okay that sounds bad, but what I mean is that I’m not surprised that this happened since everything imo happened way too soon. It’s a shame they couldn’t have just continued dating without moving so quickly. If she hadn’t moved in, I think things would have been better. I wanted so badly to say to my dad “I told you so”. I was mad at first. Mad because I forced myself to be accepting of how quickly things transpired. Mad because i let my guard down and let her “in” and mad because Emily did the same.  I got too comfortable and I felt guilty when she left because I had grown to rely on her. She mad it easy for me and I was enjoying having a break. it was nice having help around the house and with the kids, and now I’m back to square one and I feel loaded down again. I feel like I took advantage of her kindness and generosity.

I went to my first Al-Anon meeting. It was a bit of a mind fuck. I felt really drained afterwards and I hardly said a word. I spent the entire hour just wanting to bawl and let it out but instead i just sat there holding back. In the end  felt tired and headachey.  Matt came with & was incredibly supportive. I haven’t been back since but have wanted to. I need to make the effort to go. When I told my mum she apparently had no clue what Al-Anon was and when I explained it to her, she asked if Matt had a drinking problem. Can you believe that!? I was so disappointed in her at that moment.  I don’t know what I thought telling her would accomplish. Maybe I should have just kept it to myself, but I think in some small way I had kind of hoped she would have felt badly that I was in that situation and felt guilty. I think I had hoped she would admit to me and to herself that she actually has a problem. She’s not ready. In the group they said that people usually need to hit “rock bottom” before they can move forward, but that unfortunately sometimes “rock bottom” can be too late and mean death. I know my mum sick and all I want to do is help her, but i know I can’t do that and I feel lost. I know that she needs to do it on her own, but i know that if she can’t do it that Ill feel guilty for not at least “trying” to help. It’s a big stress.

Okay, two happy things! One: Violet got glasses! I was sad at first. I felt bad that there could be something “wrong” with my perfect beautiful girl, but I’m pleased now because I know that they are helping her and I need to be strong and confident for her. She loves them! And she’s gorgeous in them! I’m so proud of her! she’s getting so big and she’s so smart. She will be 3 years old in two months!

Happy thing number two! Matt and I got married! One month ago today! Can’t believe it’s already been a month! We had planned a trip to Vancouver to “get away” and visit friends, and had originally planned to boycott marriage and decided to just do a name change, but it seemed too fussy I couldn’t be bothered to get fingerprints done and get things signed etc, so we decided to just go ahead with a wedding! I know, I know, a wedding seems much more “fussier” than filling out some paper work and getting finger printed, but we actually managed to pull it off with next to no fuss! It was a bit nerve racking trying to find a commissioner that wasn’t booked for that weekend, but in the end we found a woman who was soooo great, and incredibly patient given the circumstance…….circumstances being that we had some late arrivals to the wedding ceremony nearly resulting in our commissioner having to leave to attend another wedding! Luckily everything turned out great!
We got married on a Friday the 13th! The rain held off all day!! And all of my favorite people were together in one space! We drove down to Vancouver on a Thursday afternoon and stayed in a hotel that my dad had booked for us. It was SO nice! King sized bed! Amazing view of the ocean! Sparkling wine and chocolate covered strawberries! And our friends came by to make us caesars
This was our first time being away from the kids! We got to sleep in! And on Friday morning when I texted Sherry to see how the kids were she sent me a picture of them at a McDonalds!!! I was horrified…..BIG TIME. I cried. lol
Other than that, the day was awesome! We spent the rest of the weekend at a B&B that we found online and it was so great! The woman who runs it even let us hold the wedding ceremony in her back garden!  And after all was said and done, we cracked open some champagne and some Creme De Cassis and made some delicious Kir Royals  Later, we made our way downtown for dinner. We ate at a place called Tanpopo and they had the best ALL you can eat sushi! It was soooooooooooooo yummy! I don’t think Ive eaten more sushi in my life! After dinner we all met up at Sarah & Corey’s place and spent the night hanging out with friends <3 We sang karaoke into the wee hours and I drank much too much fireball  And on our way back to the B&B our cab driver informed us that he was from another planet….so that was……interesting to say the least!  All and all it was such an amazing day. We will never forget it and I’m so grateful to all our friends! And of course I cried. A lot

I got a new bra that weekend too! Best weekend ever!

The kettle has boiled now so I’m off to make some tea and Ive babbled long enough..plus Strawberry Shortcake is on! Cheerie! XOX

Less redundant/Less dull….

Ive also noticed that my past couple of titles have been incredibly redundant & dull. I suppose Ill try and work on that for next time.

Things & Stuff & Things.

Lets see. It’s April now. Matt just had his 32nd birthday yesterday.  My dad’s birthday is on the 19th, and the weekend after that it’s Easter. I can’t explain why I like Easter so much, it definitely has nothing to do with the religious aspect of it, but I find it fanciful and lovely. The idea of children running around the yard in search of eggs that a gigantic rabbit with a basket has left them is of course ever so slightly odd, but charming nonetheless. It’s clearly all about the kids. I could care less about holiday’s before babies, but now, as cliche as it sounds, they really do make life worthwhile.

Something that doesn’t make life worthwhile is feeling as though I could at any given moment, literally cough up a lung! I have the dreaded “lurgy”. It’s done a number on me and I feel completely wiped.

Something else not worthwhile is a gigantic blow-up I had at my father recently.  Now, I of course feel completely in the right, and from his point of view, I need anger management.  Who knows, maybe I do. I’m sure many people could benefit from a course in A.M. My father is definitely included!

Something new: Sherry, my fathers gf….She has officially moved in. Does anyone else think that’s a bit soon!? I realize that reading my previous post that I have made her out to be quite saintly, and mayhaps she is. She is definitely sweet and lovely and I get on quite well with her, but I can’t seem to shake certain suspicions about her. For instance: She’s been married twice. TWICE. Just saying. And she’s not working. Just saying…….well actually she “technically” is working. For my dad’s business. She does all his paper work and gets paid generously for it.  And of course for minding Emily & grocery shopping/cooking/cleaning etc.  Id stick around too though if my dad was paying me a crap load of money to sit in the lap of luxury. Again, just saying.

Something else new: My in-laws came to visit! It was WAY too short, but sweet.  Missing them terribly but are looking forward to a Summer holiday with them next year! That should prove to be an epic flight Lets see, Violet will be turning 4, Callum will be 3 and Liam will be turning 10! Also, why not throw in a mini excursion to France! Maaaaaaayhaps! Anyways, that’s something to look forward to. That and my new diet I intend to start after Easter.

Ha! A Diet! *scoff* No but seriously. Not a diet….but a BIG change. My hypothyroidism has really started to make me feel hopeless. I could eat air for a month and run to Japan (good luck!) and I would still gain 10-15lbs. It’s frustrating & I’m really sick of feeling this way. I started a new dose of Synth, and still need follow up labs, but I’m sure, and so is Dr. Hotass, that I will need a higher dose.  SO-until then, and so on, I am cutting out all dairy. I had toyed with cutting out gluten all together, but that to me seems the most hard, so I think instead of segregating myself off from gluten completely, I’m just going to be more aware of it. I’m switching to Silver Hills bread….not just for their “Little Big Bread” which only has 55 calories per slice, but they have delightful names for their loaves of bread!! They have a new wheat free Chai bread, but of course there is no place in town that sells it! I would attempt the gluten free bread, but come on….gross. No more muffins, unless I make them, no more cakes, no more donuts, no pie, no white pasta. Actually, to be honest, with summer approaching, I wont really be too up ons in the pasta department anyways.  I’m also of course cutting out soda. Because it’s sick. Ill be eating mostly fruits and veggies. Lentils, some choice beans & on occasion, rice. Or at least, that’s the plan anyways. I realize this is going to sound dramatic, but I feel like myself on the inside. I’m still me! But on the outside, I don’t even recognize myself anymore.

Okay.

Something else thats not only new, but EXCITING: My babies now share a bedroom!! I was afraid that this would fail miserably and Violet would relapse in her potty training and Callum would scream for hours on end and I would eventually end up bringing him into bed with Matt and I and we would NEVER HAVE SEX AGAIN! But that didn’t happen! Violet has her moments where she insists on singing and chatting away to herself and I’m in constant fear that she will wake her brother, but so far it’s pretty much gone off without a hitch. And since Matt and I sleep waaaay downstairs in the basement, we can be as loud as we want! I mean, in a chit chat sort of loudness

Hmmm, what else? Now that the weather has been much less depressing (sans today) on the weekends we have been doing some Geocaching Nothing extreme or anything but just a wee bit of easy fun ones. I love it! I feel as though I’m discovering treasure!! We even made our own cache, and have plans for more

Anyways, I think thats pretty much it for now. Tra la la! Cheerie!

Stuff & Shite.

It’s been ’2 weeks’ since my last post. In 2 weeks Ive lost 4lbs. This seems to be the going rate though. I gain 4lbs, I lose 4lbs, gain, lose. Which reminds me, my doctor called & wants to see me. Bom, bom bom…..I had a blood test on the weekend, I wonder if he will tell me my thyroid has completely stopped functioning. I wonder what happens when that happens…..Pretty sure I don’t want to find out. I suppose Ill google it later.

*Phoning doctor*

Alright, so I have an appointment at 2:30pm on Friday. Just before my hair appointment @ 3:30pm. Can’t wait to get my hair cut! Wish I could slim out and get a super short hair cut, but I’m afraid with my round face I couldnt pull it off & would just end up looking like a bull dyke. Ew.

What else is going on this weekend? Tomorrow my dad comes home. He went back to work last week. Its actually been really nice. Not that I didnt like him around, but It can sometimes feel as though were visiting instead of living here. When he’s gone, I dont feel as rushed to get things cleaned or keep things tidy. Its by no means a mess, but it’s not ‘lick the floor’ clean either.

This weekend is also a big week for me because on Saturday I’m going in for my learners exam. FINALLY. I decided that I can’t be lazy about it anymore. For the benefit of my children, I NEED to do this. And of course for myself. Even though I wont be able to drive alone for a year, it will feel so good to be working towards some freedom. I can’t wait to be able to take the kids to the beach or the park (Not that we dont do those things, but we always have to rely on other people). And now that we’re living so far out of town, it will, eventually be really great to do things on my own.

I look forward to getting super pissed off and driving off in a huff!!

So yeah, thats on Saturday. At 2pm. I’m incredibly nervous. I was meant to do it 2 Saturdays ago, but the computers were down. And then last weekend I forgot a 2nd piece of ID I was so upset. Mostly disappointed that I had gotten so worked up about it and then couldnt follow through. Ive been studying though & really hope I pass. I suppose its not the END OF THE WORLD if I don’t. I can just retake the test. Ill probably feel like a HUGE loser, but I suppose it’s better than never driving. I really miss driving too. I pretty much drove Matt’s old Caliber for an entire year illegally before we got the Yaris. Now though, Ill have to learn stick. Ack! Ive never been very good at multitasking

Saturday evening is also a special night. Matt and I are going out for dinner. lol I know, it doesnt seem all that special, but here’s why it is:

1. Matt and I havent been out for dinner, just the two of us in…..I can’t even remember when. It’s been well over a year though.

2. We never have money to go out and treat ourselves to a nice dinner. We still technically don’t but were making it work

3. Our anniversary is next week (Tuesday the 8th) and so this is our pre-anniversary dinner.

Those are some pretty eventful things! The no kids part is KEY! It’s incredibly rare for us to go anywhere without kids, lets alone out for a dinner. But, thanks to my dads AMAZING girlfriend, we’re able to!

My dad’s amazing girlfriend. Her name is Sherry. She’s originally from the Island, but has moved to Kelowna to live with her brother & sister in-law & their two adorable daughters. Her and my dad met online. Ha! On Plenty of Fish! Ha!! The same site that Matt and I met on! lol Too hilarious.

She’s been previously married. She has two sons. Both are older, I can’t remember how old though. I think one is 18.

Ugh, Callum is behind the television!!!!

Anyways, what else. She’s an awesome cook. She used to work at Brentwood College, in Mill Bay on the Island. Every week she makes such yummy food for us. It’s no wonder I’m gaining! I reckon ill be HUGE by summer. Awesome.

Oh yeah, so she’s of strong mind that parents should get the chance to detach from their kids and have some 1 on 1 time. Which I really appreciate but have a hard time accepting. When Violet was a baby, my mum took her quite a bit, and it was really great being able to sleep in or have some time to catch up on chores or just be alone. And i was a much more easy going person. However, since Cal & since my mum has pretty much disappeared out of our lives, we really havent had a break. Not that I feel like my mother is entitled to take my kids but I feel very strongly that she should at least want to! When you’re in the hospital after giving birth, before they send you home, they always ask if you have any support at home. Weather it be your husband or your parents etc. They like to make sure you have a good support system once you leave the hospital, and each time I said yes, thinking, ‘of course I do!’. But unfortunately my mum played a HUGE part in that support system, and when she dropped out of the picture, I really felt and still do feel, like I have no one.

Of course I have Matt & he’s wonderful, but come on, going out is great, but I want to go out with my husband!!!! We need time alone!!! We crave it! It just hasnt happened, much.

Since Sherry has been in the picture though, she’s helped out a lot. I love seeing my dad happy. I love that her and my sister get along great. I love that she loves our dog! I love that she likes being around my kids. And Violet ADORES her! Callum is warming up too I especially love having another woman around.

I really miss my mum. But right now she’s not my mum. She’s somebody I dont know. She’s someone I dont want to know. And I know Sherry isnt my mum, but I can’t help but feel grateful to have a strong and responsible woman around. I really long for that presence in my life, and even though this is still all new and Sherry is really only here on weekends, I look forward to seeing her.

I feel like I should feel bad saying that, but I don’t. My mum isnt the person she used to be, and even then she wasnt a person I could really be proud of. I really need that mother figure in my life, more than ever now that I have kids, and she pretty much has refused to be there for me, or my kids. I’m angry at her. And hurt. But I miss her more than anything. She’s missing out on so much and I wish I could share it with her.

Okay! I’m done whining. Vi just came up and said “Are you crying mum?”.  Who me?!!?!!? Nooooo!

I’m off to listen to Pulp, dance with my babies & tidy the house! And then it will be nap time for midgets!!!!

I forgot…

It’s been a while. Here’s the low down….

 

We’re officially dwellers of 7755 Benchrow Road. I may have mentioned that already, but I’m not about to go re-reading my last post. I have a feeling its much too depressing.

So far it’s been good. I have my good days and my bad days & so does everyone else. I get on well with my dad, even though we have had our share of spats….mostly due to tidiness.  I feel the need to remind him that I’m parenting two small, drunken midgets, and that it’s incredibly hard to be constantly following them all over the house and cleaning up after every thrown block, spilled drink or messy hand print. I wont do it. Even if I could, I just wouldn’t. They’re toddlers, they make a mess! They very literally just don’t comprehend the meaning of chores, or “tidy up”. Violet IS getting into it more, but she’s also 2, which results in being constantly distracted. Imagine trying to clean up and having someone interrupt you every 3-4 seconds….that would be difficult to keep the mind at task, well that’s what happens with Violet’s brain. Tidy…”ooh something shiny!” tidy….”Oooh a puppy!!” tidy…..”OMG I HAVE TO PEE!!!!”. You get the idea. Anyways, so that’s something my dad has to understand, and for the most part I think he does, but occasionally he’ll become a raging tyrant and get all “DON’T walk on the floors!! Ive just SUPERINSANE cleaned them!!!”. Seriously dad?!

And of course, a few times more than I would like, Ive felt like I was 16 again. Or like I dont live in my own home. But it’s not a deal breaker by any means. We’re here to help out, and in return we get to live in a fabulously gargantuan house, surrounded by amazing yard/garden for the kids to play in. It’s actually really great in that respect.

This will have to be continued at a later date,  since the young master Callum seems to be using his vocal chords to the best of his ability. He’s sounding more and more like a Velociraptor everyday. Not cool. What is cool though, is that he has started to walk! He’s now a very delectable, walking muffin! I could just eat him up…..except of course when he’s a Velociraptor….and I could just put him in a bin sack & leave him out on the side of the curb.

 

*cough*

This is what happens….

I’m so FUCKING frustrated. I’m almost positive I can mostly blame it on being off my antidepressants. However, I wouldn’t give it all the credit. I’m definitely more irritable due to being off them though. I felt it pretty much two days of being off them. I could feel all my anger, frustration and overwhelming urges bubbling to the surface.  For days now Ive wanted to scream, cry, kick, break and hate everything. I haven’t wanted to really be around my kids, or my family. I would rather run away to a dark quiet room and spend all my time self loathing and sleeping.

I hate feeling this way. It comes on so suddenly. It catches me off guard, and I spend most of my time apologizing for my behavior, my meanness, my apathy….and then I feel not just angry and bitter, but sad and guilty. Vicious.

Medication. I hate being on it. I hate relying on it. I’m such a mess.

My parents are headed to Splitsville. I hear it’s nice this time of year……NOT. Ugh, what a nightmare. I always thought in the back of my mind that it would happen, mostly because its rare for a marriage to last that long, but at the same time, I of course hoped I would be wrong. My mother is the cheating whore, and my dad is the victim. We’re all the unfortunate bystanders. Emily especially.

For weeks we have been staying with my dad, living in his house. Each day I watch him suffer and spend the majority of his time sleeping or in his bedroom. Some days he’s better than others. It’s hard not being able to offer help or support. I try but it all seems futile. The best I can do is to try and stay somewhat positive for my sisters sake….which is hard to do when you’re as neurotic and scatterbrained as myself.

My mum is an alcoholic. She would probably deny it, but I know it to be true. She is a drug addict. Again, denial, and even though she may not be using regularly, she still does….”on occasion” (her words, not mine).  This has shocked me more than the infidelity. In the past Ive known my mother has cheated on my dad. A 9 year old self even tried to protect her on one occasion. Fail. But the cocaine use really stunned me. I’m not only horribly embarrassed, but incredibly fearful that my mother will not be able to take care of herself. She is immature and irresponsible. She makes very bad decisions and acts inappropriately.

I feel old.

I feel let down. I feel abandoned. I feel hopeless. I feel motherless.

I want to hate her, but I can’t. I want her to pull herself together and stop acting like she has no obligations. I want her to admit all her wrong doings, admit her faults, admit her addictions. I want an apology. An apology to my dad, my sister, and to me.

*Long exasperated, over redundant sigh*

Violet’s birthday is this Sunday. She will be 2. I feel overwhelmed with party notions. I wish I could spend the entire day with her all to myself. She’s incredible. I want to be a good mother.

I need to get back on my medication.

New Dress Ideas!

I can’t settle on one dress idea. I think I know what I want and then I stumble across something better and can’t make up my mind! Here are my ideas so far:

⇦ This stunning number not only allows me to channel my inner peacock, but Ill be able to use Callum as an accessory.

This foil dress has a spacey, cupcake effect  ⇨

⇦ Now this one is a top favorite. Where else could one get away with wearing such a fancy hat & hooker boots, than at their own wedding!!! This one is definitely a runner up.

Does this one seem a bit much? I like the idea, but     maybe a train thats half that length… ⇨

And last but definitely NOT least, I present to you, Octodress!!

⇦ For the bride who longs for that special “Under the Sea/Octopus’ Garden” wedding! Not that I long for that, but this is still, very charming.